Drug Dealers File For Unemployment

From the January 1, 2010 issue of Humor Times.
Reported by Kate Morrison


Trench coat sales are down, street corners are emptying and drug dealers are applying for unemployment benefits in record number as a result of the emerging legal medical marijuana business.

"It's like Wal-Mart moved in" said one homey known as "da Man" in Detroit, Michigan. Although he was unable to estimate a percentage, he said his business was "way bad" since the enactment of legalization legislation. "If I'd a voted, I'd a voted against it" he said.

Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington have all legalized the use and sale of medical cannabis and allow dispensaries to sell marijuana to people with a medical card.

12 of the 13 states have reported a dramatic increase in unemployment benefit applications from the unemployed drug dealers.

Alaska is the only exception, where Sarah Palin’s son Toke supplies the majority of the street vendors. He says his business is still booming. “My mom helps a lot by using her political clout to keep the dispensaries out” said the young Palin. “You Betcha” said Mama Palin at a recent book signing when asked about it. “I fully support Toke’s business with our Mexican neighbors to the north.”

A single mom in Denver, Colorado says the boutique style dispensaries that are popping up everywhere have severely affected her lifestyle and that of her children. “I ran a small business supplying all the housewives in the area,” said the 38 year old, but now they’re all “Boutiquing.” “They want the card in case their husbands or children catch them” she says.

The effects are more far reaching than first thought and even high school dealers are hurting. A California family said their teenage son is constantly asking them for cash now. Although he is still sullen, he is not solvent. “It’s really created a strain on the family finances” said the boy’s father.

“This is a perfect example of what happens when ill-thought legislation is put into place,” says an analyst for the Washington Post. “It’s hard to understand the implications to an industry we have ignored.”

Several states are considering relief and retraining programs for those displaced by the new dispensaries. Initial career placement tests indicate the ex-dealers are most qualified for jobs that require a high tolerance for drugs and alcohol and doing very little. Their skill sets, income requirements and moral conduct matched best with stockbrokers, bankers and US Senators.

There are international implications as well to the legalization of medical marijuana in the United States. Mexico, our neighbor to the south, is calling for an open request for bids stating that their country has “the best shit” and should be allowed to compete with US suppliers. They also report many of the unemployed dealers are returning across the border as a result of the collapsing marijuana trafficking businesses in the United States. “We’ll close the border if we have to” said one Mexican Official, “Our infrastructure is not prepared to handle this many people.”

With the popularity and demand for medical marijuana on the rise, and more states considering this type of legislation, this is bound to be a growing problem for the US.

Balloon Boy Hoax Found to Be Hoax

This faux news piece appeared (with a cool flying saucer picture) in the December 2009 issue of Humor Times. If I could make my scanner work, I'd a scanned it in with the picture and my first ever by line!

Balloon Boy Hoax Found to Be Hoax
Reported By Kate Morrison

FORT COLLINS, CO - Police in Fort Collins, Colorado today have announced that the Balloon Boy Hoax involving the Heene family, their son Falcon and a homemade balloon, was not a publicity stunt but a cover up for the boy’s attempt to release his parents in the balloon.

After hours of intense interrogation by police puppeteers, Balloon Boy Falcon Heene confessed that he wanted to get rid of his parents for cutting off his Club Penguin account. According to experts this isn’t the only incident involving conflicts between children and parents over Disney’s mega on-line game site that encourages social networking over actual play and rabid consumerism in children. Club Penguin administrators confirmed that the Heene’s Club Penguin account had been canceled just two days before the balloon incident.

According the Falcon Heene’s confession, he was going to crawl into the balloon and when his parents followed him in, he would jump out and release the balloon. “This is what started the confusion over who was in the balloon” said Fort Collins Police Chief.

Falcon reportedly showed police, using puppets that represented his parents, how they were always making him log off his Club Penguin account. “Log off NOW”” the boy made the mommy puppet say. Even more disturbing, using the daddy puppet, the boy showed police a violent re-enactment of his father ripping the wires from the back of the computer shouting “Enough of that damn thing -we’re leaving to look for UFOs!”

Evidence collected during the search of the Heene’s home included several cartoon like pictures believed to be drawn by Falcon. Police are working to verify that the crayons found in Falcon’s room match the ones used in the pictures. One frightening drawing shows the boy’s parents as stick figures floating off in a balloon into the clouds with large speech bubble saying “Help, Falcon, we wanna come home, we won’t boss you anymore!”

Falcon later told police his older brother had helped him with the spelling in his cartoon and in designing the plan to get rid of their parents via balloon. In a separate interview with police the older Heene boy confirmed his role, saying he wanted the mom back that they had in Wife Swap. “She was way hot” said the 12 year old.

Official charges against both boys are expected to be filed later today in Poudre Valley Juvenile Court.